Moving on.

I think its a rather selfish thing maybe, that I hate it when people move on in my life but I have no problem about moving on from people myself. Its the inaction, the idea of standing there watching someone leave and not being able to leave yourself or do anything. As long as I'm in motion and not stagnant, I don't mind leaving things behind so much.

I'm in motion now, and moving away from here. Life's vortex continues to be whirling, but this place records one of the longest period of stagnation in my life. There's a long chain of thought trails emanating from where I've stopped having strength and to where the logic inevitably leads to the frustrating idea that when you lose your own strength in life, your usefulness and competitiveness to everybody wanes. I've rushed through this long chain at an alarming pace, particularly at the ironic time period of having just attained a simpler and more peaceful life, lost a motivation for decency, expressing more and more cynical views and I dunno, it seems to be getting rather unhealthy.


Yeah like sucking the life force outta me..

I continue to place a large part of the blame on the world around me. But that's just utterly, incomparably and just plain stupidly useless isn't it. There's no way to change the world, and its not morally correct to change it to your opinion of what should be right either. There's only one place to go in order to change things, and that's deeper within the self. To examine some fundamental beliefs and find a way to change this mindset. Or at least be at peace at how things turn out somehow. I'm not too sure what I'll find when I delve into all this complex simplicity of raw emotions but I'm pretty sure here's not the place to do it.


Paintings that reflects emotion are.. like that.

I have to change things, because the consummate wanderer in me is being forced to diminish. There are things now that require presence, continuity and the sort of care and attention that can only be given to things that you can't walk away from. They aren't all bad, and in a way, they all deserve a better person to have them. I dunno if I'll be better, but I'm trying to be different.

Those pictures were not painted using skittles XD.

Much ado about Magic (do christians play Magic?)

Yes THIS Crucible of Fire. I am not a satanist dammit. What would it be if I said it was a crucible of holy fire?

This is what happens when you eavesdrop on other people's conversations and jump to conclusions when you have no idea what they're talking about.



Yeah so this has the word 'hell' in it but if satanists could summon it out then hopefully God created you with 5 HP or more. If not you better pray that heaven above sends down:



But why be so westernized dammit. You could follow your chinese roots and go find some friends to make a:



And then go to war together. (I don't think Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei ever faced a dragon but I'm pretty sure if they did, the story would have been a lot more epic.)

This is absurd. What kinda fool would think to make such accusations? So never mind, I shall do something more absurd.

我们三人，虽然異姓，既然结为兄弟，...不求同年同月同日生，只愿同年同月同日死。如果背恩忘义，天地不容。

"Nosotros tres, aunque somos de ascendencia diferente, nos unimos en hermandad. . . . No osamos esperar estar siempre juntos, pero juramos morir el mismísimo día".

This oath is quite a mouthful in espanyol huh.

Sanguine Bond.

"Blood is constant. Every drop I drink, someone must bleed."
—Vradeen, vampire nocturnus

And so it is. I tried pretty hard for a while and I really couldn't think of anything that one would succeed at without someone else paying the price for it. Against morals imbued within the stream of consciousness, we probably wouldn't do anything blatantly self-absorbed but to differing extents, every moment of our happiness is built upon others' misery to a certain degree. Its more a matter of scarcity really, that everything is limited. Whatever you have, someone else in the world will lack. Whatever you give, someone in the world will be unable to receive.

Y'know those melodramatic outbursts in movies and stuff, "have you got no heart?" I wonder what would it be if the villain would say, "if I had a heart, it would be wrangled, tortured, broken and I would be the one being victimized, asking that very same question to people. And I have no idea what they would say." What would it be, if the only thing that governs what you do, is what you allow yourself to do? What would it be, if morals were not decided by someone else, but by you? I think you'd quickly realise that to adequately take that role, you'll have to have no heart. There would be no room for emotions, no happiness or sadness. That way you don't strive for them and you don't fit into the scarcity chain. Its the only way you would stop sucking someone else's blood dry. And if morals were signed on a pact in blood, then it wouldn't be right at all would it?

I believe in a Creator. I don't believe he/she/it is compassionate. I think such an entity has to be incapable of feeling. We are the sanguine bond between life and each other.

Haven't been doing much these days. And despite looming exams, that's actually good news. But come next week, more administrative and medical appointments. And I've yet to collect my phone from repair. On a more recreational note, I've yet to complete my warp world revolution, nor manage to find time for an adequate magic session with jay. And the room's in a mess. Zetalambmary looks abandoned. Yeah, I reckon this short-lived peace comes at a pretty huge price. There's a sanguine bond on a single body affected through the time-space continuum.

What crap am I spouting XD.

Having 5 wires stuck into your chest for 24 hours makes you think about how socially inept you have been.

Bliss told me mr toh was suan-ing me during maths yesterday. I laughed and joked to my mum, maybe I'd offer him one of the wires to stick somewhere in him. The green one was particularly irritating. But she went all terse and serious. Wanted to call the school and talk to the teachers. I told her not to.

"Are you unable to fulfill a lot of responsibilities in school?"

"As far as I remember, I've never let my classmates down in anything that involved them. Its pretty much just the individual school work that's suffering."

"Do they dislike you? Your classmates?"

"I dunno.. maybe I guess? I'm too proud sometimes I guess. About how I should live life, about what I owe people and what I don't. I don't go about making myself likeable. *short pause* They don't ask me anything, so I don't say much. There's not much I can do about opinions formed behind my back anyway."

*She looks a little distressed*

"And you don't have to be so concerned all of a sudden y'know. I've never been coddled for the past 19 years, you start now and its just gonna feel weird."

*She looks more distressed and then a defiant look starts to appear*

I pretended to go to sleep. As if I could with all those things sticking into me. And I thought to myself that such comments are probably what turn against me. I was being perfectly honest without malice, and I'm pretty sure there was an element of truth to it but all the same, its a social discourtesy I guess. If I were less angsty about everything I probably wouldn't have said it. Its just that plenty has happened already, I don't need an aura of blatent fakeness pervading all of it too.

Sigh.. A bit more self-restraint is in order. More smiles and quietness, patience to listen to everything, detachment from everything that I don't know about (after all, I really can't go about sticking green wires into my maths teachers), and to not give up on the notion/illusion that everybody else important seem to hold: that they can pile their stuff up on me, because I'll survive it.

Time cries slow in mourning.

I shall scream in silence
I'll cry but not shed a tear
I shall speak with no sound
I shall hurt with no pain
You hold the breathe to my life
But something dies within

I like how the bleeding face shows no emotion. I like how the eyes are not there. I like how despite it all, the face still looks thoroughly alive.

I always imagine walking out of a door with everyone staring after me because there's an air of 'he's not coming back' in the way one coolly leaves without a sound, without a gesture. Maybe there are tinges of 'good riddance!' or 'we'll miss him..' mixed in it, but either way it doesn't matter. I'm not coming back. But then the doors aren't always open. And I'll stumble in the dark, feeling caged and trapped. I'll get tired of not knowing who else is there in the dark room with me. I creep along, I get tired of keeping my guard up and fearing that someone in there is stronger than me who'll turn out to be some life draining zombie or something. So I never do walk out. When I finally find that door, I struggle with all my might to open it and then I run, a mixture of relief, a pure desire to get away and a kind of shame that claustrophobic people feel after getting out of a trapped lift.

And I never do bother to find out what's in the room in the end.

Nights of Arabia.

Arabian Nights. A thousand tales and one for life. Each with its own intricacy, unbelievable spurts of magic, malice, good and evil.

Sigh, such nights...

A month or so of solitude wasn't actually very different from normal life. And yet it was different. Being alone anywhere else and being alone at home brings about distinctly separate feelings. When home begins to lose its familiarity because its as cold and empty as everywhere else, its not something that can't be handled. But you sure miss having the folks around, even if you've never really had to depend on them much. And you develop a new-found irritation at doing housework. The place chains you down, you have to return to it everyday to face its emptiness, and it gets old after a while.

I'm really glad to hand the place back to the lady of the house today. Prepared to be welcoming, humour her by listening to all the big and little stuff that happened to her for the past month. I'm still glad to have her back. But I didn't get to do much humouring either. For the past 4 hours I've been getting steadily more and more depressed. Its not that I wasn't expecting her to bring more troubles to the pile, but I was hoping she would do something to balance it all out somehow. And like a sun rise over the horizon, it dawned on me more and more as the 4 hours flowed to the present that she was expecting me to do the same for her. And there goes the keystone to an arch.

She seems to have forgotten that I have school tomorrow morning. But it doesn't matter, I don't wish to face anyone just yet. I want to huddle up in my room, where my sphere of responsibility has reduced to from the entire house. I want to think. I want to form emotional barriers. I want to make sobriety an understatement. I want to do something about everything and not expect anything to be done for me, because I've been a little too weak for anybody's liking I'm sure. And then I want to be someone different for it. Someone who can take this life and live it.

And I have no idea why any of the 7 people who carried wooden clubs wrapped in newspaper and assaulted another person in broad daylight at a place as crowded as chinatown would think that they have any chance of not being caught. Yeah we all have such days, and such assholes in our lives. But before I rustle up a coupla guys (7 would be overkill for most of the scum currently existing in my very pathetic life) to beat up some bastard, I would think if I'd wanna end up in jail for it, and then reconsider. And committed on a saturday too. Police investigation takes 48 hours and visits are only allowed after that. Who feels like taking a trip to prison on a monday?

If I did, probably nobody would wanna hear me preach about self-control and not being stupid anyway.

Well, that's 2 things I didn't expect to know tonight. Didn't expect to happen. Didn't expect to need to know how to handle. Such nights.. there's gotta be a thousand and one of them already.

In the midst of all bad illnesses.

"You've just got to make up your mind to be young!"

Time will heal the scars
Be proud of who you are.

Y'know, I haven't done much meditation these coupla months.

Total Perspective Vortex

The Total Perspective Vortex is allegedly the most horrible torture device to which a sentient being can be subjected.

"When you are put into the Vortex you are given just one momentary glimpse of the entire unimaginable infinity of creation, and somewhere in it a tiny little mark, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot, which says, "You are here."

Located on Frogstar World B, the machine was originally invented by one Trin Tragula in order to annoy his wife. Because she was forever nagging him for having no sense of proportion, he decided to invent something that would show her what having a sense of proportion really meant. Unfortunately the shock of being placed in the Vortex destroyed her brain, but Trin Tragula's grief was tempered by the knowledge that he had been right and she had been wrong. In Adams' words, the Total Perspective Vortex illustrated that "In an infinite universe, the one thing sentient life cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion."

Never let yourself know how small you really are XD.